I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
