This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
