I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
