well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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