I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
