Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
