if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
