Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
