I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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