Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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