she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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