Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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