Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
