she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When did angry sex become our thing?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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