sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
