Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
