We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
