what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
