You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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