I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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