Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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