All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
