two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
