Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
