Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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