Umm I'm too high to move.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
