After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My pussy is not your playground.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
