I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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