ADVERTISEMENT

• (518): View more from New York

  I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.

  Fav 10 942 2223

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...

  Fav 19 1078 10110

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (828): View more from North Carolina

  Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.

  Fav 15 6287 1792

  share tweet
  

• (917): View more from New York City

  I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

  Fav 8 4651 1190

  share tweet
  

• (773): View more from Illinois

  How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

  Fav 42 2242 5844

  share tweet
  

• (626): View more from California

  Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?

  Fav 4 2316 1248

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+35): View more from

  I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.

  Fav 7 2610 1069

  share tweet
  

• (337): View more from Louisiana

  Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.

  Fav 12 2824 1518

  share tweet
  

• (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

  Fav 28 4229 1173

  share tweet
  

• (613): View more from Ontario

  All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

  Fav 11 2772 807

  share tweet
  

• (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"

  Fav 3 1219 670

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.

  Fav 15 886 588

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.

  Fav 6 946 487

  share tweet
  

• (563): View more from Iowa

  Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.

  Fav 2 617 419

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (256): View more from Alabama

  Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"

  Fav 5 554 977

  share tweet
  

Randomize