Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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