I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
