Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
