he wants to bone in the snuggie
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
