I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
