That's intense
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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