I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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