Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will pee on everything he values.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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