what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
