FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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