sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
