I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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