remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
