About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
