totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
