i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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