Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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