The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
