so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
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