so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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