where am i from again
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dicks are not precious.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
