I think I am morally bankrupt
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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