Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
