just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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