He uses pillows to masturbate.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
