i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
