I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
