Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
